A History of an Aberrent Sexual Contest

“Fnorking” is a colloquial term for contests involving females inserting
small dead animals into their vaginas. All known instances involving “fnorking”
have occurred on college campuses. The contests dealt with several females
competing to insert as many animals as possible into their vaginas, the winner
being the one able to insert more than any of the other contestants. The winner
of the contest was sometimes crowned the “fnork” queen.
The earliest known incidences of “fnorking” occurred in the late 1920’s.
The phenomenon seems to have been an outgrowth of the goldfish eating fad
prevalent at that time. Most goldfish eating contests involved college age
males consuming as many live goldfish as possible. The female collegians of
that time were less inhibited than preceding generations of females and
developed their own version of this fad. They held contests involving the
insertion of as many goldfish as possible. The goldfish were most often
inserted while live. Contest were held late at night in college dormitories,
although there is a report of one contest being held in broad daylight beside a
well stocked pond. This contest is said to have involved at least twenty-five
females and the winner was able to “consume” twenty-seven goldfish.
All known “fnorking” contests seem to have been held at exculsively female
colleges and universities, although, considering the segregation of males and
females at schools in this time period, this is not unusual. “Fnorking” seems
to have been an outgrowth of the general loosening of morals in the 20’s era
and the woman’s sufferage movements of the early part of that decade. The less
inhibited females of the era were more inclined to enter such bizarre contests.
As the fad progressed, the contests were not limited to just goldfish but
were expanded to include other specie of small animals. It is known that
contests were held involving the “fnorking” of hamsters, gerbils, lizards,
salamanders, frogs, small birds and even one contest involving chipmunks. All
of the above contests involved dead animals. The preferred method of killing
the animals was suffocation. The contests were held immediately after the
animals were killed because they were “still warm and still very pliable.”
The phenomenon seems to have disappeared after the turn of the decade.
This is possibly because of the depression era when less females were attending
colleges and also morales experienced a general regression. No known incidences
of “fnorking” have been reported until very recent times.
Recent reports have eminated from the Florida area and from Europe,
specifically at the 1991 “spring break” in Florida and one incidence in 1989 in
Denmark involving sixty college age females inserting frogs in a day long
contest. There were reports of three contests in the Miami area in 1991, two
involving insertion of goldfish and one the insertion of small toy stuffed
animals. The winner of one of the goldfish contests was able to insert twelve
fish and is reported to have recieved a cash prize in the amount of five
hundred dollars.
Interview’s of 1920’s era females involved in “fnorking” contests indicate
that no prizes were awarded in the contests, of that period. The females stated
that most entered the contests due to peer pressure. They also indicated that
the contests were held in conjunction with college fraternity initiations.
The origin of the word “fnork” is very hard to discern. All of the females
interviewed stated that “it was always called that.” One woman did offer as an
explanation that “fnork” is formed from the first letters of greek words
describing the activity. At this time I have not been able to discover the
words used, if there are any. No written descriptions of the activity have been
brought to light, although, considering the type of activity, this is not
unusual. All of the females interviewed were very reluctant to admit to being
in the contests.
Considering the recent resurgance of the “fnorking” phenomenon, it is
possible that the general lessening of sexual inhibitions in females in recent
times has allowed the fad to resurface. In this day of personal video, how soon
will some enterprising person make a record of one of these interesting
contests?

–

In today’s society, it is relativly easy to get laid, but it does
always help when you have a GAME-PLAN! This is what I am about to offer
you, A planned way to get your prick into a female’s virgina (cunt).

Getting a woman to willingly drop her pants for you is not what would
be classified as an easy task, but the ultimate result of a warm and wet
pussy snuggly wrapped around your throbbing cock is certainly well worth
your most earnest effort!

First, Don’t bother trying to go after the most popular or the best
looking female in your life! That Bitch already has every stud in the world
trying to BANG her… Search out a plain looking female who looks like she
would be flattered by attention… This does NOT mean to pick a female who
is not worthy of your attemtion.

The selection of the TARGETED female is your initial step in the
procedure!

THE INITIAL ENCOUNTER AND COURTSHIP

Your selected Bitch should possess the following traits: She should
have an out going personality, a friendly smile and fairly large tits! She
should be very limited in The Dating Game, and she should not have a
current boyfriend. After all, this isn’t a lesson on how to pick up a Bimbo
or a common whore! This is a lesson on how to PREY on a young and innocent
female! You now want to show an interest in this female. Start out by
smiling at her when-ever you see her… After a few days, if you don’t
already know what her name is, BUMP into her by accident, and act
embarrassed, but keep smiling at her when you do this… Then take this
oppertunity to introduce yourself to her by exchanging names, and be sure
to compliment her that ‘She is one of the most attractive females that you
have seen in months!’

an interest in! (CHEAT! Find out one of her interests and study up on it!)
After all, this is the female that you have decided that you want to FUCK!
Now start SWEET TALKING your target! Mention to her that you heard that she
is also interested in WHATEVER! She will jump at this chance, unless you
are a FUCKING DORK, and then you should have gone after the DOG that looked
she should be BARKING AT THE MOON!

BREAKING THE ICE

…End of the part1. To be continued..

Erosian Theory Developed

My theory came into being from a multitude of experiences
and also from inner feelings which differed tremendously
from standard practice ideas concerning sex. I’ll take
this time to break down a few of these myths concerning
sex in general, and in relation to how Erosian Theory
deals with the same situation.

I. Sex is for people in love, primarily married people.
Men get away with sex because it is condoned for them but
women shouldn’t or they’ll be cheap.

Sex is for every one old enough to deal with and handle
the responsibility of sex. Sex is for married and
unmarried people. Sex is for women as well as men. Sex is
for everyone. It is GOOD, RIGHT, NORMAL, HEALTHY, for
everyone, at anytime or place when consenting adults are
involved. I think the keyword here is consenting adults.
As long as both (or more ) parties are in agreement as to
the nature of their act, there is nothing morally, legally
or ethically wrong with any sexual act.

II. Sex should be between one man and one woman only.

Once again, the keyword here is consenting adults.
Personal tastes, and the backward thinking of certain
cultures have forced us into the molds that we live in
today. Between two consenting women, or two consenting
men, any relationship desired is correct. It is their own
PERSONAL TASTES which defines their sexuality, and not
that of a televangelist or county commissioner. As long as
both parties enjoy and consent to an act, and it doesn’t
infringe upon another’s rights, who is to criticize. Also
who is to say that the act of sex should be limited to two
people. Many times there are parties of three, four, five
or more consenting adults who desire to share each others
sexuality. Where is the harm in this, if the above
guidelines are applied?

III. The act of sex should consist of vaginal/penile
intercourse, with foreplay consisting of hand to genital
or in some circles mouth to genital contact. Anything
other than this is really unusual or sick.

…End of the part1. To be continued..

RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and
enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is
lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get
together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush.
Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should
beware!

YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are
complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of
homosexuals is Yellow! No don’t panic – not everyone who wears
Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the
stronger partner’s desires in a passive manner. You will never
enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an
invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.

PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider
themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes
are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are business-like
in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners
are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else’s
gratification.

BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people
are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in
kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually
masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and
often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy
times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer
the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of
mobsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.

GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their
approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like
virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle
clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way.
Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a
mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in
sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they
intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity -
but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of
prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who
like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who
will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one;
…End of the part1. To be continued..

On our second date, we went to an Italian restaurant hidden in
a nearby small town, definitely not thie kind of place you’d look for
good food in Indiana. But, it came recommended from a friend of ours,
so we stopped there and asked for a table. Being that it was a Friday night,
we had to wait around 30 minutes for one of the ten or eleven tables to open
up – we hadn’t thought of reservations. So, we walked through the
retail district, window shopping at some crafts stores, etc., At least,
she was window shopping. I, on the other hand, was walking on the side
of her closest to the street, and whenever we stopped in front of a
store, the light from inside passed through her white silk blouse,
silhouetting her beoutiful breasts. I could see the outline of her
nipples and the surrounding area of raised aureola. To say the least,
I was excited. Luckily, my loose pants concealed my stiffening
member.

Eventually, we had to return to the restaurant, much to my
disappointment. We sat at the only table near the front window, where
we could watch the passerby on the street and the people in the restaurant.
(We had, on our first date, already spent a considerable amount of time
people watching — trying to decide how strangers were feeling based on their
actions. It was a lot of fun for us.)
The antipasta arrived, and we ordered some small main courses.
The evening was certainly off to a pleasant start. Then, in the middle
of our conversation, I felt a very pleasant, distinct touch on my leg.
Looking down, I saw her bare foot sliding up and down my right calf.
Just this touch was so sensual as to cause me to become extremely
aroused. I look across the table into her eyes, and tried to say “Wow-
thanks” without using words. She must have heard me, because her foot
left my leg to concentrate on the bulge between my thighs. Then, she
said, “I hope you weren’t planning on ordering any dessert…..here.”
I nearly lost it right then — how much could a high schooler take?
But, somehow, I managed to utter something clever that pleased her,
and our plans were sealed.
The rest of the meal passed in a blur. The next thing I knew
we were walking through this town with aour arms around each other,
and I didn’t know where we might be going. Now, she lived only
about 5 minutes from here. In fact, the church that she had gone to with
her parents was only 2 blocks from the restaurant that we ate in.
(BTW: No, she was no holy-roller. She told me she hated church, but
went because she feared her dad, and he told her to go.)
Eventually, we did come to the church, and she led me up the walkway
…End of the part1. To be continued..

1993 RIVER DIPPERS MEMBERSHIP

Name(s) ____________________________________________

Address ____________________________________________

City ____________________________________________

State _____________ Zip _____________

Phone: _______________________________

May we include you in our Members Directory? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Interests: _________________________________________________________

Membership Desired;
River Dippers Only [ ] $ 3.00 per year
River Dippers & The Naturist Society (TNS) [ ] $30.00 per year
** Additional donations are appreciated! **
Please send me the 1992 Issues [ ] $ 3.00

Total Enclosed: $ _________

TNS Membership Number (if renewing): ______________________

OUR PRINCIPLES

River Dippers believe in the wholesomeness of the human body, and
regard it as neither an object of shame nor a subject of degrading
exploitation. Our natural state is without clothing; the choice to be
clothed or not should be the option of the individual.
River Dippers act in a responsible manner above reproach in all
aspects of our chosen form of recreation — accepting the
responsibility of maintaining the natural state of the environment we
use, enjoying our state of undress in such a way as to not infringe
upon the rights of others, educating others about the merits of
clothing-optional recreation, and avoiding non-constructive
confrontations with authorities or the public.
River Dippers members come in all ages and backgrounds, and
conduct their activities for the mutual enjoyment and comfort of
everyone.

Liability Release Agreement

I acknowledge that there are risks of personal injury associated
with hiking, camping, canuding, and other activities, whether of not
organized by River Dippers, and do hereby assume any and all risks for
any said personal injury I and/or my family may sustain while engaging
in said activities, and do hereby release and forever discharge River
Dippers, its officers, and members from any action, suits, damages,
claims, and/or judgments that may result from any and all personal
injuries I or my family may sustain while engaging in said activities,
or in going to or from said activities. This release is binding upon
me, my heirs, and assigns.

Signed: ____________________________________
Applicant(s)
____________________________________

Mail to: River Dippers, P.O. Box 60562,
Sacramento, CA 95860

–

ABOUT RIVER DIPPERS
SACRAMENTO FREE BEACH ORGANIZATION
Affiliated with The Naturist Society

River Dippers, started in 1979, is a non-profit organization
dedicated to sharing information about ‘free beaches’ (those places
where people are free to wear as much or as little as they please)
located in central and northern California. River Dippers also host a
variety of social events for our members.

River Dippers welcome all who share our open enjoyment of sun,
breeze, water, and good people in natural, outdoor settings,
unbothered by clothing. We are affiliated with the national free
beach organization, The Naturist Society.

OUR ACTIVITIES

We participate in a wide variety of activities throughout the
year; Seasonal Parties and Potlucks, Monthly Meetings, Skinny-Skiing,
National Nude Weekend, National Naturist Association Gatherings, Nude
Hiking and Backpacking, Canuding, Nude Cruises (through River Dippers
Cruises), Nude Christmas Caroling, Visits to Naturist Clubs and
Resorts, Body Painting, and more. We also hold informal monthly
meetings to discuss and plan upcoming events

SKINNY-DIPPING GUIDESHEETS

We have a five-page set of guidesheets available. Some of the
best skinny-dipping streams, rivers, and lakes in central and northern
California are shown. Places where skinny-dipping and nude sunbathing
are locally accepted and, indeed, the preferred way to visit nature
(in the outfit she issued you). Just send $2 in a self-addressed
stamped envelope (SASE) to us, regardless of whether you order our
newsletter or not.

OUR NEWSLETTER

Our quarterly newsletter keeps free beachers informed on
skinny-dipping locations and changes, on current activities in the
nude recreation movement (national, state, and local), and on
occasions when fellow River Dippers may wish to share a beach or other
activities together. Our intent is to keep organization and formality
…End of the part1. To be continued..

_______________________________________________________________________________
THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL
P U R I T Y T E S T
_______________________________________________________________________________
Version 3.5A (400)
Final Release
13-Apr-1985
_______________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with
going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy’s law on sex:
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes waste.
Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research
Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory.
The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted
as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the
Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be
interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed
any of the actions contained herein.
_______________________________________________________________________________
N O T I C E
Disclaimer of Liability
The user of this test acknowledges, understands, and agrees that sex is a
hazardous sport; that a person must copulate in control, and use good judgement
at all times; that their partner’s condition vary constantly and are greatly
affected by weather changes and previous use, that dirty sheets, variations in
terrain and bed surfaces, spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and
debris, clothed obstacles, and many other natural and man-made obstacles and
hazards, including other users and customers, exist throughout the bedroom
area. Personal managers (pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and
equipment are constantly in use and may be hazardous to customers not
copulating in control. Impotence, collisions, and social diseases resulting in
injury can happen at any time, even to customers copulating in control with
proper sexual equipment. Inherent and other risks are part of the sport and
exist in your partner. As a condition of being permitted to use the facilities
of your sex object, the user of the partner agrees to copulate in control and
within the limits of his/her ability and further acknowledges and accepts these
hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes the risk of injury or loss to person or
damage to property which might result from the customer’s use of the partner’s
facilities.
As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your
partner, the customer understands and agrees (1) that in the event of a
transfer of use by another or anything else in the management’s opinion is
misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked
without refund; (2) that the partner is the property of the harem and, upon
…End of the part1. To be continued..

The Purity Test

Answer YES or NO to the following 100 questions. At the end of the test,
total up the number of NO answers. This is your score. The higher the score,
the ‘purer’ you are.

All questions pertain to men and women not related to you, unless otherwise
specified.

I.

Have you ever:

1. Had a cigarette?
2. Had alcohol?
3. Tried pot or hash?
4. Tried stronger drugs (coke, acid, shrooms, etc)?
5. Thrown up from alcohol?
6. Kissed a woman?
7. Kissed a man?
8 French kissed a man?
9. French kissed a woman?
10. Put your tongue in someone’s ear?
11. Had someone put their tongue in your ear?
12. Fondled a woman’s breast, or had your breast fondled?
13. Put your mouth on a woman’s breast, or had it done to you?
14. Seen a nude man?
15. Seen a nude woman?
16. Had telephone sex?
17. Undressed a man sexually?
18. Undressed a woman sexually?
19. Been sexually undressed?
20. Fondled a man’s genitals?
21. Fondled a woman’s genitals?
22. Had an orgasm?
23. Climaxed from a partner’s fondling?
24. Brought a partner to climax thru fondling?
25. Performed fellatio?
26. Performed cunnilingus?
27. Climaxed from oral sex?
28. Brought a partner to climax thru oral sex?
29. “Finger-fucked”?
30. “Dry fucked” (with all your clothes on)?
31. Bathed or showered with a man?
32. Bathed or showered with a woman?
…End of the part1. To be continued..

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word “Fuck”. It is one magical word which
just by it’s sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck, like
most words in the English language, takes it’s name from another language,
the German word “Friklon” which means “WHOOPEE”.

In language, fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can
be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive
(Mary was fucked by John), or as a passive verb (Mary doesn’t really give
a fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fuckin’ beautiful). As
you can see, there are not too many words with the versatility of “Fuck”.

Besides it’s sexual connections, this lovely word can be used to
describe many situations as follows:

Fraud…………….I got fucked by my insurance agents
Trouble………………………I guess I’m fucked now
Dismay………………………………..Oh! Fuck it
Agression…………………………………Fuck You
Passive……………………………………Fuck me
Confusion…………………………….What the fuck
Difficulty……I don’t understand this fucking business
Despair……………………………….Fucked again
Philosophical………………………Who gives a fuck
Incompetence…………………………He’s fucked up
Laziness……………………………He’s a fuck off
Displeasure………What the fuck’s going on around here
Rebellion……………………………Fuck the world

It can be used in descriptive anatomy: He’s really a fucking ass-hole.
It can be used to tell time: It’s fucking’ Five-thirty.
It can be used in business: How did I get this fucking job?
It can be used as a prediction: Oh well, I’ll be fucked.
It can be maternal: Mother-fucker!
It can be nautical: Fuck the Admiral!
It can be political: Fuck the President!
It can open the door to wonderful relationships: Lets fuck, baby.
It can be used to enhance the meaning of a word: Fuckin’ beautiful.

The mind fairly bogies at the many creative forms for this most
functional word. How can anyone be offended when you say “Fuck”? Use it
in your daily speech. It adds to your prestige.

-Tell someone today, “FUCK YOU”
–

WARNING
This article contains sexual situations between consenting
adults. If this pisses you off, don’t look. It also mocks the
selected groups of idiots who don’t bother to fully read posts
and send boring and insulting email (as befits their miniscule
minds). If this bothers you, you should probably not read this.
If you are one of the pea-brains who are being mocked, I
fervently hope this bugs the shit out of you.

DISCLAIMER
This story is false. If you feel insulted by it, I was probably
aiming at you.

I was sitting at my terminal with Julie. Julie’s my
cohort in crime, often putting in long hours with me on those
terminally late projects. She’s a real looker, too, IMHO –
slim, long brown hair, dark eyes, very pretty, and a body that
is to die for.

We were working late one night on a paper that
absitively, posilutely had to be done by the next day. By 9PM,
everyone else had gone home. By 10, we were feeling silly. But
by 11, it was going well, so we felt little guilt in opening up a
window and scanning though the net, seeing what was new and news.
We scanned the usual comp.* groups and moved onto the alt.sex
hierarchy. As usual when we were doing this, Julie was horny as
hell, and would do her best to distract me. In this case, she
started out by nibbling on my ear and running her hands up and
down the inside of my thigh.

“Shit, willya look at that!”

“What’s the problem, Standby?” Her hand was perilously
close to the rising bulge in my jeans.

“Some twits are bitching about a message I put onto the
net!”

“Oh?” she breathed into my ear as her hand started
working the zipper. “What did you post?”

“I was just complaining about the signal-to-noise ratio
of alt.sex.stories and how most of the posted stories are about
…End of the part1. To be continued..

Code Of Practice

The following is the beginnings of a compilation of sexual
practices, including those deemed to be normal. This list
should in no way be considered complete, and I welcome and
encourage fellow Erosian Theorists to contribute to the
building of this list to its completion. The list also
contains brief descriptions of the practices, as well as a
code which will be combined with each registered Erosian’s
number to form a personal Erosian identification code,
known from here on as a PEIC. This code will allow
Erosians to identify others and to identify their primary
interests.

CODE TITLE DESCRIPTION
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
0 Masturbation Self Gratification,Style
varies, solo artist

1 Straight Enjoys hetro sex, basic
positions.

2 Oral-1 Hetro oral. Male to Fem.
includes 69, and 1-1

3 Gay Gay Sex,rubbing, hands,
massage, love making

4 Oral-2 Gay oral, man/man,woman/
woman. incl. 69, and 1-1

5 Bi Likes either, inc. 1-4

6 Dominant Controls activity,leads
direction of activity

7 Submissive Receives activity,follow
lead given

8 Equal Both give & take, equal
footing in relationship

9 Non-Sexual Theorist only, assigned
for record sake only.

…End of the part1. To be continued..

_________________________________________________________________________
| |
| Chinese Words We All Need to Know. |
__________________________________________________________________________|
| |
| Ga Fuck |
| Lin Your |
| Yah Mother |
| Wuh I, me |
| I Love |
| Nee You |
| Papa Father |
| Ta He, She |
| More More |
| Hie a dore More than anything |
| Hando Very much |
| Da Big |
| Me Doesn’t have |
| La er A dick |
| Jeba Pussy |
| Malee Beautiful |
| Shaw Think |
| Nio meo Do you have |
| gice Them |
| Tonesinglien Gay |
| Su Are |
| Nuhie Girl |
| Cawn See |
| Shaw Want |
| Nee numoo num? Will you? |
| La Oh! |
| Er 2 |
| Gun (Name) choo chee Go out with |
| Nee cub cuy? Can you? |
| Way Hello |
| Nee how ma? How are you? |
| Sheen chee ee Monday |
| Sing she ooh(Wansa) Friday (Night) |
| Jeenwhy Tonite |
| See Yes |
| Boo No |
| Nee she wah say? Who do you like? |
| Say? Who? |
| Chingtien Today |
| Chingtien nee how ma? How are you today? |
| Jeenee Spurm |
| Eenway Because |
| Tso Ugly |
| Nee hun tso You are very ugly |
| Nee she whine wu ma? Do you like me? |
| Wa sa ma? Why? |
| Nahnhie Boy |
| Nee su hun malee Nuhie You are very beautiful girl |
| Wa she wa ni tsie tsa I wish you were here |
| Bejuay Shut up |
| Lien Face |
| Wa shu chee nee I miss you |
| Tsa tsi su bu? What is this? |
| Wa jawngway I will |
| Nee yo eegu hun tsa da lawer You got a very, dirty, big, dick |
| Ni she needa jeba. You are a big pussy. |
| Ga ne ma jeba. Fuch your mothers pussy. |
| Chu ga lousi Go fuck the teacher |
| Ni si si jay san juay zo der lern You are the ugliest dick in the world.|
|_________________________________________________________________________|

–

(c) Neil Bernstein 1993

One Sunday, driving Dolores’ truck back from a provisioning
trip, Pete stopped along the riverbank to watch a crew of panting
scullers labor their way against the current. Their slender craft
slipped around chunks of floating ice smoothly as a ballbearing
sliding down a greased track. Got all the time they need to do
that, he thought bitterly. Men who could go home to adoring wives
and get up the next morning to go to work.
In Lombard’s General Store he met old John buying feed for his
three geldings. The man’s belly nearly split his overalls as he
carried the sacks out to his car. Pete hid a chuckle.
“You come back for coffee now,” John bellowed.
Pete could see no reason to refuse him. He followed John’s
rusty truck up a series of gravel paths, shook hands with his
pretty wife. John eased himself into a great armchair. He bade
her serve them their coffee and an endless succession of snacks:
toast, honey, ham sandwiches, spiced drumsticks, maple candies,
pear cobbler…
When she was done serving she settled back on a kitchen stool
and nursed her baby. Pete watched her play with the suckling,
bouncing him gently on her knee. He knew, feeling the certainty
only the superstitious know, that it could not be John’s child.
John had been a carpenter for twenty years. One morning he
found the work too exerting and gave it up violently, pitching his
toolbox through the window of the house he was building. He tried
a variety of jobs after that, settling on delivering the Weekly
Argus. He sat long hours alone at the head of his kitchen table,
playing solitaire late into the night, gaining ten pounds a year.
He always left a half-finished puzzle set up in the living room.
Pete remembered the last time he’d been out to John’s house.
A selectman was giving Grandpa Goosehair some problems, badmouthing
him in town meeting. The old man wanted Pete to see if John could
dig up any incriminating tax information. John looked over
everyone’s tax forms, considered it his neighborly duty. He got so
he could do the arithmetic so quickly that everyone brought him
their crumpled forms: farmers who could only read with a certain
pair of spectacles they’d lost years and years ago, folks who could
read Latin but couldn’t be bothered with figures.
Pete’d got himself lost on nameless gravel tracks and had
arrived very late. The ex-carpenter’s wife had just finished
showering and now stood before a full-length mirror. Her hips were
swathed in fine linen, her arms left half-bare by a silk-finished
nightgown. She braided her hair and rubbed fine powder and oil
into her tremulous neck. John knelt on the parlor floor, his
…End of the part1. To be continued..

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